Journal Entry: August 19th 2004:
Music: Alice in Chains//Whale and Wasp
So sorry I haven't wrote in a while. I went upstate
from August 13-15... that was quite alright despite my stomach problems and my throat hurting every damn second. Last night
I learned that Pepto-Bismal and alcohol don't go very well together...But I doubt I have learned a lesson. I got a new cell
phone the other day and it's awesome... I must be a technological retard since I am amazed that my phone can access the internet
lol. I can even look up pictures on google of kurt cobain and Layne Staley *smiles* When I was buying the phone at Radioshack,
the salesperson said that my monthly bill would be $69.00, but I looked it up online and it said I already owe $106.01! So,
I need another job. I have to find my Social Security number first though...I lost it =\ Well, time to watch Roseanne. Buhbye
-Unitl then
Journal Entry: August 1st 2004:
Music: Alice in Chains//Down in a Hole
Omfg work today sucked ass. Allison and I were working
with Will (Phew, good thing lol), and the family we hosted was absolutely horrible. The father was the biggest pain in the
ass! "Hey! My mother is old and needs to eat, when the hell are we eating?!...I need to sign the bowling ball, where
is the damned marker?!" And then he asks "Oh, we need a knife", so Allison ran down to get him a knife and he said "THIS IS
THE KNIFE YOU GIVE ME!?" Then, he told us to put a tablecloth over the pool table because it was "ugly", so Allison ran down
again and got the tablecloth, and he says "Ah, nevermind, it's too late." Then, they all complain to me because there
was one MICRO-FUCKING-SCOPIC BLACK SPECK in the Sprite!! So I had to refill that. And then, some dude walks up and asks
"Is this diet coke?", and since there was no lemon in it, I was like "No, it's regular", so then Will says "No, it's diet" and I
was like "You forgot to put a lemon in it?' And Will said "Ohh yeah, sorry." So then the guy just finished pouring his
cup of diet Coke, and I was like "Wait! It's diet." So he says "What?! Damnit, I'm allergic to diet!!!" So...yeah...we
almost killed a man lol. And the whole time, this hippy lady (she was alright, yet quite annoying) kept telling
Allison and I that we should take notes to remember some things...lmao! Their family were the only assholes yet! So...I
had to vent and I fugured buying something would make me feel better, so I went out and bought two gerbils =)
I named them Layne and Kurt. Eventhough Kurt's a girl lol. And Layne will be impregnating Kurt anyday now! =)
-Until then
Journal Entry: July 31st 2004:
Music: Alice in Chains//Real Thing
Well, I went to
my aunts again yesterday to go swimming in her uber-cool pool; and I am glad to say that I covered my scars completely
=) Work today was pretty cool...I have work tomorrow also at 11:30, and I'm only working with Allison! Unfortunately
I have no idea how to use the computers at work lol...So we'll see how tomorrow goes. No weird dreams lately though. I should
be hanging out with Allison sometime soon...woo...and getting stoned, haha.I haven't hung out with Kristina in a while...
ugh, she has a new Spanish boyfriend every Wednesday...slut. And she thinks they treat her good! Psh! Geez, I can't wait to
meet her new one. ::rolls eyes:: Well, I'm watching 50 first dates now so I shall be going!
-Until then
Journal Entry: July 29th 2004:
Music: Alice in Chains//We Die Young
Ugh! I am fucked up beyond belief. One minute I'm so unbelievably
happy, when the next minute horrible memories come flooding in to drown the good ones... I surprised myself today. While driving
home from my aunts house listening to Rooster (AIC), this huge sense of nationalism swept over me. I looked at all of the
cars, in which most had American flag decors up...and then I looked down from all the overpasses, and saw so many cars and
lights...and I just thought it was beautiful. Then I thought to myself "Wow...I actually like New York...I don't want to ever
leave this place..." But I know i do! Every time I hear the word "Seattle", my heart skips a beat. And I know I'll love
it there just as much, or at least I hope I will... Oh, and I had yet another interesting (and really freaky) dream
last night: "Well, I have a ring with a cool cross on it, and I was dissing "God" in my dream. So, all
throughout my dream, my brother Eddie was bothering me to have the ring. He kept telling me he wanted to play with the ring,
and keep it. So, I told him that I liked the ring, and wanted to keep it for myself." Well, then I woke up this morning
around 11:00 AM, and lo and behold: The ring with the cross is nowhere to be found! I searched literally everywhere.
Now, how ODD is that?! Well, I went swimming today. And I shall never wear a bikini again. I failed to remember about all
of my beautiful scars...and then everyone goes on commenting, and I must quickly cover up with another lie. ::sigh:: Oh,
and yes, I am in an Alice in Chains phase<3
-Until then
Journal Entry: July 28th 2004:
Music: Alice in Chains//Them
Bones
I guess I've let my anger go once again. They always seem
to comment on it, which does get rather annoying. I had a very odd dream last night, and it gave me quite a scare--at
least the raping part did. It goes something like this: "I married a lady (that
hathaway girl i think) And her mom was a bitch to me, calling me a hick... and i replied "I'm not a hick! I live 20 minutes
away from new york city!!" So then the hathaway girl and i put aside our differences and were married, then moved to Seattle.
Then, i was best friends with two girls (Melissa and Michelle) and this dude wrapped us up in Waldbaums and took us to this
sewer place and raped Melissa, and then Michelle, then me (in a pit filled with water and chains) while wearing this horrid
mask. So, melissa didn't make it...so, michelle and i were clinging to each other and the dude told us to go back home since
he was done with us. So, we followed him out of the sewer, and i noticed he was dragging melissa's body behind him and i asked
"Why are you dragging her?" And he replied "She's not getting out of here any other way." And i noticed that her intestines
were hanging out of her body... And i wept and wept and wept. The End." Interesting, huh? I just can't get
the image of that girl Melissa being dragged, as her intestines followed behind... *shudders* I felt the pain in my sleep;
a sharp pain going through my chest, which I felt when I woke up at 4:00 PM lol. Yeah, it's summer and I didn't have work,
so let me be lazy. I guess it's normal to wake up that late since I went to bed around 6:00AM...I can never seem to fall asleep
at night. I'm just way too paranoid...I guess...I always see things before I shut my eyes, just to open my eyes once again.
Then I hear horrible gurgling sounds and voices...which just let me wonder the rest of the night "Fuck...what have I done
to myself? I've indeed ruined this body." Oh well... I don't think it matters anyway. I must be one of the most disturbed
people on this planet. I hate life, I hate myself, people are disgusting, and I continue to torture this already wounded
soul. It's amazing how I can't even seem to walk into a 711 at times...always afraid that people are looking at me, meaning
something is wrong with me. I absolutely hate living like this. I just wonder why I can't be like everyone else...And I hate
ragging on about how stupid my life is, and how much I hate it. Yet I continue to do so. Oh how I love contradicting myself.
-Until then<3
Journal Entry: July 27th, 2004:
Music: Alice in Chains//Man in the Box
So I've wept again. And you know how I've
wanted to, and it's finally come. Well, originally I thought it to be my pain, and only my pain. I wanted
to keep it to myself. Yet, now I've realized I've hurt so many others in doing so. To all those I've let ache in wonder: Oh
how I am sorry. I am so sorry sorry sorry. I am a moronic fiend, and I so deeply apologize. In writing this, my tears continue
to stain the paper; as I continue to be the inaesthetic being that I am. Cutting has sustained to be a great hobby, and
one of my only friends I can turn to. No one else understands what I feel. My stomach has shriveled up, and it suffers every
second of the day. I use pills to blanket our pain, only for it to gradually become worse. I know this
is nothing natural, but to me it is my life. People stare in awe. And I hate that. I hate being like this.
-Until then.
